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a customer in this place? Jeez, you've got gallons of milk in the cooler that
are completely solid. I've seen 'em."
Witch held her walkie-talkie to her mouth."Goblin, you there?"
"Yeah."
"We're at Charlie's place."
"I'm right around the corner. I'll be there before Troll can steal a pack
ofRolos ."
"Gotcha.Witch out."
Troll took a new roll of duct tape off one of the shelves andunspooled
anarmlength of it. "Put out your hands."
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I obliged, if only because Witch hadn't stopped pointing that gun at me.
Troll wrapped the duct tape around my wrists several times, binding them
together.
"Put some over his mouth," said Witch.
"I don't think they make a roll big enough for that."
"Just do it."
Troll put a long strip of duct tape over my mouth.
A truck pulled into the parking lot outside. The motor turned off, and then
Goblin entered the store.
"Oh my goodness," he said, grinning at me. "You're looking kind of humble
there, Andrew."
I said something amazingly clever that was muffled by the duct tape.
"I'm very glad to see you again," said Goblin. "As I'm sure you know, I've
had a really lousy day, and I can't think of any better way to improve it than
to watch you get strapped to a table and have your body parts replaced
with..." He put his hand over his mouth in mock realization. "Oops. That's
supposed to be a surprise, isn't it?"
"We've got some good ones lined up," said Witch."Maximum pain."
"That's what I want. I mean, sure, we could just throw him down to the floor
right now and stomp him to a bloody pulp, but then, what progress would we
have made?"
"You're not stomping a damn thing into a bloody pulp here," said Charlie.
Goblin waved dismissively at him. "Go organize some stock or something."
Charlie opened his mouth as if to say something, but settled for glaring.
"So, Andrew, I'm sorry to hear about your friends," said Goblin. "I hope it
was quick."
I said something equally clever that was equally muffled. Troll ripped off
the duct tape, and I grimaced in pain.
"What was that?" Goblin asked.
"I said, bite me."
"Good one."
Troll slapped another strip of duct tape over my mouth.
"Anyway, I think we've hung out in this squalor long enough. Let's deliver
our new friend, Andrew, to the lab, shall we?"
Goblin's walkie-talkie crackled. "Is anybody there?" asked a voice I
instantly, and joyously, recognized.
"Who is this?" asked Goblin.
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"I'm Momma Bear. How about we make a deal?"
Goblin laughed incredulously. "What's with all the deals? You'd think we were
brokers or something."
"Shut up and listen. Your large friend here fell down and went boom. What do
you say we make a trade?"
"Could you describe this particular friend for me?"
"A quarter ton and lying unconscious at my feet."
"Is that so?" asked Goblin. "Now, you're a petite little thing, aren't you?
How exactly did you manage to take out Ogre?"
"I had help.A seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a pug."
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm having a bit of trouble with that scenario. The klutz
dropped his walkie-talkie somewhere, didn't he? I think I'm going to need some
proof. Describe the birthmark on his right shoulder."
A few seconds of silence.
"It looks sort of like a deformed butterfly."
"Uh-oh," Troll whispered.
Goblin frowned. "Okay, you've got my attention. What is it you want?"
"I want my husband and my friends back. You let them go, and I'll tell you
where to find your buddy."
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," said Goblin. "Apparently two
members of your party are deceased. Your husband's okay, though."
"Let me talk to him."
"That can possibly be arranged. First, let me hear Ogre."
"He's unconscious."
"I know. But he snores loud enough to wake the dead. Let me hear it."
"He isn't snoring."
"Now, see, we have a bit of a continuity error here, because Ogrealways
snores. Therefore, he must be..." Goblin trailed off as he apparently realized
exactly what this meant. "...aw, shit."
Troll slammed his fist against one of the shelves. "What the hell is the
matter with us today?"
"Shut up," Goblin snapped at him. He spoke into the walkie-talkie. "I want to
share some important information with you, Momma Bear. You're not getting out
of these woods, I promise you. I don't mean that as a vague threat, I mean you
aren't getting out, case closed. But I'll make you a deal of my own. We're at
the store where you all stopped not too long ago, and dear Andrew currently
has all ten of his fingers. Every five minutes, the number of fingers will be
reduced by one. Then we're going to put a gun in his mouth and make him pull
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the trigger with one of his bloody stumps. So you've got fifty minutes to get
yourself over here and save your husband's life. Does that deal work for you?"
"Let me talk to him."
Troll tore off the tape again. One more time, and I was sure the tape would
take my lips with it. Goblin held the walkie-talkie to my mouth. I shook my
head and refused to speak.
"Say something," Goblin demanded.
I remained silent.
Goblin shrugged, and then kicked me in the leg. I couldn't help but let out a
grunt of pain.
"Did that sound like him?" Goblin asked into the walkie-talkie.
"Helen, stay away from here," I said. "They'll kill you. Are the kids okay?"
"Yes, we're still together."
"Don't come anywhere near the store. It's a trap. Get Kyle and Theresa to
safety."
"Well,of course it's a trap," Goblin said. "The point was to see if true love
would get her to risk her life to save yours. Tell me, Witch, has it been five
minutes yet?"
"No, but we can cheat."
"Well, we don't want to cheat. That wouldn't be fair. Instead let's tweak the
rules and say the clock started at the beginning of this conversation. Troll,
find a pair of wire cutters."
"Don't worry about that, I've got my knife."
Goblin shook his head. "It'll be easier with the wire cutters."
"Why make it easy?"
"Because you won't be cutting off his finger."Goblin looked me in the eye.
"He'll be doing it to himself."
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